Tag Archives: single parents

The Lesson in the Peeling Wallpaper

 

Peeling Hand Stenciled WallpaperEarly on in my single parenting years, I bought a fixer-upper house in a charming neighborhood full of young families with kids. A few short months after moving in, I joined a singles group at my new church.

I don’t know what made me do such a thing. I mean, the house was an investment and a way of bringing stability to a wobbly life. That part made sense.

But the singles group?

It sure wasn’t because I needed more to do. I was working an all-consuming, often dangerous job that required me to be on call 24/7. And now I had a house in dire need of TLC, a lawn to mow, a temperamental car to nudge along, and a not quite 3-year old to raise on my own.

But for whatever reason, I decided to give the “kickoff” singles event a whirl. I hired a babysitter and then went into image-management mode. I wanted to project the together, professional vibe; to give off a self-sufficient, polished air. I couldn’t have people knowing how hectic and chaotic my life really was. Continue reading The Lesson in the Peeling Wallpaper

The Tiny Pink Suitcase I Can’t Put Down

picket-148325-mThe truth is, I don’t really know what was going on. I witnessed a small drama and, as we are all inclined to do, I overlaid it with my own narrative, which may or may not have been accurate.

Here are the facts, no interpretation or assumptions. Just what I saw. You can decide what you think was going on: Continue reading The Tiny Pink Suitcase I Can’t Put Down

A Question My Grandmother Probably Didn’t Ask

Miss Ruby – as my grandmother was known to her friends- was a hardworking, dignified Southern lady. Her husband (my grandfather) died tragically when their children were very young. She raised my Dad and my aunt as a single parent, working two jobs, opening her home to boarders, and selling cakes and pies she baked from scratch.

She had a lot of wisdom and wow, was she resourceful! But I can’t imagine she had the luxury of choosing the ideal timetable for any of the major decisions she had to make. She couldn’t take extra days or weeks to consider her options; she had bills to pay, repairs to make, kids to clothe and feed. I expect she was in survival mode much of the time. Continue reading A Question My Grandmother Probably Didn’t Ask

Sharing A Title With God

Dad and childMy pastor used that phrase this Fathers’ Day as he prayed for the dads in our congregation and I was floored. The truth and responsibility of that observation was sobering, as it should be. Father. Oh, how wonderful it would be if all fathers aspired to be worthy of sharing that title with God. And thankfully, many do.

But today I read a blog post by a dear woman who was only able to overcome the damaging influence of her own father by recounting the negative lessons she learned from him. She concluded that it was the lesson of stubbornness he modeled that ultimately saved her from him.

Reading the comment string on that post was wrenching. Readers shared about dads who had abused, dads who had died, dads who had left, dads who were just emotionally…missing. So many people have had negative experiences with fathers, and as fathers. Continue reading Sharing A Title With God

Five good things about being sick at Christmas

cardinal20130222_162bzzbTo set the stage, I’ve just returned from a two week trip to South Korea and I’m seriously jet lagged.

I have a miserable cold and it’s December 21. Christmas is in four days and I’ve written not the first Christmas card nor done one bit of Christmas shopping or decorating.

The weather is about to turn ugly (again). There’s a winter weather advisory in effect today and bitter cold is said to be heading our way.

But I am so grateful. And I can think of at least five reasons why. Continue reading Five good things about being sick at Christmas

I’m leading a duct tape life

duct-tapeWhen the fiberglass floor in my upstairs shower cracked due to faulty installation, it was duct tape that kept the water from leaking through to the ceiling below until I could get the whole tray replaced.

When the vacuum cleaner hose split and rendered the vacuum useless, it was duct tape that restored suction and extended old Eureka’s life.

When I realized, going out the door, that the hem of my pant leg was hanging, it was duct tape that made me presentable until I could get home and stitch it up.

There are entire websites devoted to handy and often unusual uses for duct tape. (A friend of mine has been known to put a strip of it over her own mouth. And that’s all you need to know about that.)

It’s patched more than a few holes in window screens around here, and stopped winter chills from seeping in through window frames and door jambs. I mean, who doesn’t have at least one roll of this stuff in their house, car, garage, or office? You probably have some great duct tape “survival” tales yourself.

Admittedly, it’s not always attractive – though it does come in colors now – but there’s beauty in its simplicity. Besides, it’s inexpensive…and it works.

Ideally, we’d never need duct tape. If things always worked the way they’re supposed to and parts didn’t break, we would never have to discover all the ways duct tape can rescue us. Big “if”.

I think of my life as being held together with a kind of duct tape. Far from being a bad thing, this is actually pretty amazing. I’ll tell you why. Continue reading I’m leading a duct tape life

The answer to this question is not as easy as it sounds

When I was a kid growing up in Key West, there was a young guy in our church, Charlie (not his real name). Every time someone greeted him with, “How you doin’, Charlie?” his response was always, “I’m tired.” Maybe he had a legitimate reason to be constantly exhausted, I don’t know. All I can tell you is, to this day the only thing I remember about that guy is he would always say he was tired.

I shake my head at that now, but I have to wonder, how many times do we – all of us – refer to ourselves in ways that are negative and, over time, allow them to become part of our very identity?

“Tired” seems minor compared to some labels we allow. We accept certain traits about ourselves as unchangeable or certain troubles as inevitable and we miss the truth that we often have a choice.

This morning, my pastor made this specific statement: “God is hard at work in your hopeless situation.” And I started thinking, “What in my life seems hopeless? And if God is hard at work, is it really?”

I was immediately reminded of an interesting story Continue reading The answer to this question is not as easy as it sounds

The Exquisite Ache of Mothering

022387 Brand new Allison (crop)
Welcome to the world!

These are things I ask myself: Why does a woman long for motherhood? Just what is the irresistible draw?  Is it the desire to bring a child into the security of a warm circle of love?  The particular mix of hormones brought on by the passage of a certain number of birthdays? Acquiescence to relentless pressure from family and friends? An unquenchable desire to love and be loved in a wholly unique way?

Perhaps it’s a combination of all these. Whatever the answer, if God should allow her that privilege, there are a few things she should know: Continue reading The Exquisite Ache of Mothering

“Quickly, How Are You?”

Public domain image, royalty free stock photo from www.public-domain-image.com

It’s Saturday, so here are some thoughts for our single friends. A version of this post first appeared in July 2012 on SingleMatters.

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A friend of mine years ago used to call me regularly late at night and unload her problems on me. I was an exhausted single mom with a thousand things to do after my little one went down for the night and this was just what I didn’t need.

This friend would drone on and on about everything wrong in her life. She would cry and complain and question the goodness of God. Then, after 30-45 minutes of this she would say, “Well, I have to go, but quickly – how are you?”

My response was always, “Quickly?  I’m fine.” Whether I was or not. And then we would hang up.

You know what? She was a load. Continue reading “Quickly, How Are You?”

My Eureka Moment While Watching “Under the Tuscan Sun”

In recent months, my co-author and I have agonized over the best approach for our book on singleness. We thought we had it; then we weren’t so sure. We have both worked with singles and single parents for years and have many stories to share about those who have found healing and wholeness as singles. Our desire has always been to encourage singles and help them understand their value. We say we want them to be “whole-hearted singles” and that all singles have equal worth in the eyes of God, even though in the church singles often feel “less than” because they aren’t married.

The New Testament invites all to be part of the family of believers and to reproduce spiritually, whether single or married. In that view, the family is as much a spiritual entity as a physical one and the role singles have to play in God’s story is both significant and unique. I’m on board with all of that.

Then one night in September I was watching the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun” on TV (for about the third time since it came out in 2003) and an interesting thing happened in my heart.

If you saw the movie, you may recall the premise. Diane Lane plays a woman in her mid-30s who has been dumped by her husband and who goes to Italy to start a new, independent life. But even though she is successful at renovating this rundown villa and making lots of new, wonderful friends, she still longs to be in a loving relationship. There’s a scene near the end – and this is where I was drawn into the story again in a personal way – where she watches a married man, who has become a close friend, interact tenderly with his wife and family. It is clear that Lane’s character aches with longing to be in a relationship like that. I was ambushed by the emotions she portrayed and was transported back to that place in my own life.

Understand: I was a single parent for 18 years before I remarried five years ago. I raised my daughter alone and developed a deep, abiding dependency on Christ during that time thanks to prayer, a strong church and the support of committed Christian friends. If anyone understands that singleness can be rewarding and that Jesus is sufficient, it’s me.

But watching that scene, I remembered with painful clarity the times when I was single that I, too, ached for another chance at love; the times I gave in to self-condemnation, thinking that perhaps I just didn’t deserve it; and the feelings of resignation and sadness that I would probably grow old “alone”. That night, in front of the TV, I was there all over again and the intensity of my reaction caught me by surprise. I was reminded that we are truly created for relationship and that the longing to be loved is a universal one. I was also reminded of how crushing that desire can be.

Here’s what I concluded: We may acknowledge on an intellectual level that singleness is useful and honorable for the long haul – perhaps even preferable for some – and Christ can meet our needs. That is truth right out of the Bible. But we tend to believe that this applies to others, not to us. I may be wrong about this, but I think the majority of singles don’t really want to stay single, even with Jesus by their side; they want to be in a loving human relationship. And no amount of casting singleness in a more “spiritual” light – however valid and Biblical – is going to make them want to stay where they didn’t want to be in the first place.

Asking people to accept singleness as an acceptable long-term alternative to marriage may be a valid effort, but it still feels to many like the consolation prize (especially in the Christian community). And what happens is, singles spend so much energy trying to get out of being single, they miss the rare opportunities for growth where they are.

Perhaps singles would be better served by being encouraged to make the most of this time while they are single. What if we gave practical steps for singles to confirm their value, find healing, experience wholeness, and enjoy community while single in ways that simply aren’t possible while in a committed relationship? Think of it as “becoming singleful” – making the most of a unique time of life, whether it is for a season or a lifetime.

What do you think it would look like to become “singleful”? Do you know anyone you might call “singleful”?

Have you had a moment of clarity that shifted your thinking about an important issue? What led up to it and how did you respond?